Tuesday, June 17, 2014

One Year


It's hard to believe it has been one year since Emma was born. One year since one of the most difficult days of my life. One year since we didn't know what Emma's future would be, if she would have a future. One year since I was told that I wasn't allowed to see, hold, or touch my newest daughter. One year since my heart was broken in half. One year.

I have heard that anniversaries of events and birthdays are hard when it comes to NICU babies and parents, and that is absolutely true. The rollercoaster ride we go through with our babies is unlike anything I have ever experienced or imagined. I had to watch my tiny and fragile child fight for her life. I have never felt so helpless, so defeated. Those feelings are very fresh. If it were me or my husband fighting for our lives, I think it might have been easier, because I know how strong we are, and I know we have both put our faith and trust in God. But it wasn't me, it was my child. As parents, we have an incredible responsibility to take care of our children, to protect them. But this was out of our hands. At first, that fact made me extremely sad and even angry at times. My baby was fighting for her life and I couldn't help. I just had to watch. The only thing I could do was pray. But wait, isn't that the best part of it all? It was out of my hands, but it was in His hands. God's hands. Who else could I trust more than Him? He is my creator, Emma’s creator. “For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:13-14. God created Emma long before we even knew she existed. He had plans for her, for us. Emma’s hydrops was no surprise to Him. Although it was difficult to see at the time, God’s timing was absolutely perfect. If this journey with Emma had happened a few years ago, I can almost guarantee that I would not have handled it very gracefully. In September of 2011, my husband and I decided to try out a new church, and we even joined a community group full of complete strangers. Little did we know these strangers would become family. We learned what it meant to have a relationship with God, and also how important it is to be connected to other believers and walk through life with them. We fell in love with our church and the people in it. Northpoint was our home. My life changed for the better.

Fast-forward a few years and there we were, in the middle of Emma’s journey where I was able to take all my worries, my need to control, my fears, my doubts, my hopes, my faith, and my trust, and give it all to God. For the first time in my life I knew what it meant to fully depend on God. And for the first time I was also able to begin to comprehend God’s love for me. You have probably heard the saying “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” It’s a nice thought, but I don’t believe it. God gave me way more than I could handle because He knew it would bring me grow closer to Him. He gave me overwhelming peace and comfort. Although I had plenty of times that I couldn’t pick myself up off the floor because the pain of watching my precious baby fighting for her life then having to leave her in the hospital was so unbelievably difficult, God was with me, waiting patiently for me to remember that it was all in His hands. Our amazing church family brought us meals for months, helped watch Laney so we could go visit Emma in the hospital, cried with us, rejoiced with us, walked through the hard times with us. This was all part of God’s plan for our family. If we hadn’t found our church a few years ago, I don’t know how I would’ve made it through. I know one thing; we would not have made it through without our families and our amazing community group. Thank you for having the hearts of servants and for walking through life with us.


Summary of Emma’s first year:

Emma’s life started out a little different than most. She spent 54 days in the NICU fighting for her life and defying all the odds along the way. When she finally came home, she continued her physical therapy for 4 months until she caught up enough with her physical development. She is a very active and determined little girl, and she is still right on track with her adjusted age. Emma was born with a hole in her heart, which is fairly common for preemies. She saw her cardiologist in January and since the hole is significantly smaller, she doesn’t need surgery! At Emma’s 9 month check up with her pediatrician, we found out that since she had been off her Lasix (diuretic) for a few months and her body had not retained any fluid, that means we don’t ever have to worry about the fluid coming back! I waited a year to hear those words, and it still doesn’t seem real. I am still amazed at how far Emma has come. At one point during my pregnancy, she was given a 15% chance of surviving because of how much fluid her body was accumulating, to which the cause is still unknown. She has come so far from that 15% statistic, and we couldn’t be more proud! Emma is always smiling, which is a constant reminder of all that she went through and how happy and thankful we should be every minute of every day.

(Make sure you scroll down to see the pictures of Emma's first year!)


So yes, it has been one year. One year since I looked into the eyes of the tiny little girl who became my hero. One year since I realized just how deep God’s love for me is. One year since I experienced strength I never thought possible. A lot has happened in one year, but it has been the best year of my life. Emma Grace is so sweet, so happy, so perfect.  We will never go a day without thanking God for giving her to us, for saving her life. To God be the glory.

To our family and friends who prayed for our family, brought us meals, helped with Laney, supported and encouraged us, helped us financially, cried with us, celebrated with us, and praised God with us, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. You have been a part of our journey, our miracle. You have blessed us beyond measure.

To my husband, my rock. Thank you for stepping up and leading our family while I struggled to find my balance. Thank you for being patient and supportive when I had my weak moments. Thank you for loving me through it all. You are the most amazing man and husband, and I am so proud to be your wife.

This song played on the radio every single time I was in the car driving to the doctor. It continues to encourage me that God is so much bigger than anything we will ever go through in this life.

“Whom Shall I Fear” - Chris Tomlin

You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light

Whom shall I fear

You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though troubles linger still

Whom shall I fear

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory


Whom shall I fear

And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I'm holding on to Your promises

You are faithful


 

If you are in the Austin area and want to experience a different kind of church, check out www.experiencenorthpoint.com and come visit us sometime. My life has changed along with hundreds of others because of this amazing, authentic church, and the wonderful and genuine people that we have met. You won’t regret it.


Emma Grace- just a few days old after her first bath

 
1 month old
 
2 months old and finally home!
 
3 months
 
4 months
 
5 months
 
6 months
 
7 months
 
8 months
 
9 months
 
10 months
 
11 months
 
1 year!